Friday, 28 September 2012

I Don't Want To Ruin My Memories


I don't want to ruin my memories !

On the 22nd September I went to Blackpool to celebrate my little sister's 22nd birthday - I'd bargained on feeling woeful and that I'd need plenty rest after the fact.

The week leading up to 22nd I'd rested and looked after myself, eaten properly, gone to bed early pulled out every stop I could to ensure I wasn't ill on the night.

With great pride and joy I managed it, I was well enough to go to Blackpool with the girls.  I felt better knowing that we where all staying overnight and that our hotel was 5mins away from where we would all be partying.

We where all wearing fancy dress so I'd incorporated knee high flat boots into my outfit and felt confident I'd be able to cope.  My little sister wanted us to all meet at her friends no later than 11am.

We arrived n the drinking started - I just had 2 mojitos watered down with lemonade - our bus arrived at 1pm to get us underway.  We arrived at our destination before 2pm and started to get ready - we had an awesome giggle 6 girls all getting ready to hit the town in fancy dress.

I straggled as much as I could as the thought of hitting pubs at 4pm filled me with dread, although even with straggling I was ready by 5pm and so we hit the pubs of Blackpool.

Most of the pubs where empty at that hour so the 6 of us reigned supreme taking to the dance floors and having a whale of a time.  Slowly as the night progressed more n more people where out on the town.

We bumped into a group of lads my sister and her friends knew from home and they tagged along with us making the evening even more funny.  around 11pm I was getting slight niggles in my lower back and knees - as I'd not been drinking I was able again to take my full dosage of pain meds.

But even with all the precautions by me at half past midnight I made the descision to leave the girls to party and head back to the hotel - 3 of the girls went back with me as they'd had enough alcohol for a week.

Less than half n hour later my kid sis rocked up at the hotel with the other girl still standing n 3 of the lads we had ll met - they'd missed their last train home and where stranded (that's their story) !

Out of the 4 that went back to the hotel first I was the only one still awake chilling with a cup of coffee - I joined my sis, her mate n the 3 lads in my sister's bedroom - we all stayed up talking and laughing till gone 4am then I totally threw in the towel and went to bed.

I was awoken at 9.30am with a cuppa tea by my daughter (she was one o the 6) - struggling to move I took all my pills and managed to go for a short, slow walk using my girls arm as a guide to go to the arcades.  To my delight there was a McDonalds opposite where I spent most of my time ordering coffee.

We arrived home at roughly 1pm where I went straight to bed and hit the sack where I slept until 7pm.

Thinking it would only take me a few days to catch up on my sleep I went back to bed just before midnight on the Sunday and fell asleep before my head hit the pillow.

Monday came I awoke feeling okish - although the effect of my morning drugs soon made me feel awful - my head went west so quickly. I arrived at work for 12.30 dinner and was informed my clients had cancelled.  On the journey home in the car I struggled to keep my eye's open.

I clambered into bed for a 'nap' and was awoken at midnight by my hubby with a drink and all my meds as he knows only to well what happens if I miss to many doses - withdrawal which is an ugly place to be.

I dropped straight back off to sleep and slept through till 2pm on the Tuesday.  I spent the majority of Tuesday laid up on my bed resting only coming down to watch TV with my hubby around 8pm.  I returned to bed and sleep around midnight but tonight sleep would come in fractured segments due to the amount of sleep I'd already had.

I woke Wednesday morning at 7am wide awake so got myself ready for my kid sis and her daughter coming to visit.  Although we did nothing else but talk when they left I realised how exhausted I felt, I tried to fight it but lost.

Awoken by my daughter at 6pm I made the descision that I would go to the gym as I was now sore and stiff.  I didn't work out hard at all I just made sure that I stretched out all the knots in my muscles.  The gym session woke me up a bit and feeling more comfortable and alert than I'd been all week I went home feeling good, so much so that I thought the Yak fatigue I'd been feeling would pass.

I didn't fall asleep after I came home which was good.  I hit the sack at midnight and awoke at 9.30am feeling quiet refreshed.  I got to work at 12.30 finishing at 3.30.  Much to my disappointment I was again flagging in the car and struggling to keep my eyes open.  I went to bed as soon as we got home.

Awoken at 8pm by my hubby for my meds I came downstairs to spend some time with him.  Within a couple of hours AGAIN my head was falling while I struggled to keep my eyes open.  We went to bed at 11.30pm - where much to my aggravation I couldn't settle, the last time I saw the clock it said 02.40am !

I remember waking at 07.30am busting for the toilet, I laid back on the bed feeling awake enough but decided to try and get another couple of hours as its Friday I had no work and wasn't expecting any visitors.  It musn't of taken more than 15mins before I was asleep again.

I was woken with a start by my hubby who said "it's 6pm you need to try and get up"  I really thought he was winding me up. But soon realised he wasn't and that's when I started to get the hump.

Yet again I'v lost another day to sleep to the fucked up world of fatigue.  I find this part of having fibromyalgia and dercums disease the most depressing.  Pain I can deal with most of the time, sore tight muscles can be stretched out with exercise. Fatigue though isn't as simple as 'having a good sleep' !

I'v had loads of sleep yet still my body demands more.  It's not even like I get a choice because I don't.  My eyes start to close and when that happens no matter what I do I can't stop myself from nodding off.

I keep looking at the photos of me having a wonderful time to remind myself  it was worth it, but now in my 6th day of recovery I am beginning to ask myself was it truly worth it ?

I don't want my happy memories to be ruined by my illnesses and recovery time, but even with my immaculate planning am finding 6days way to long and as I sit here typing this I cannot claim to be fully recovered.  Of course I'm hoping that the king Kong sleep I have just endured will finally put an end to the fatigue I'v been plagued by.

I knew by Monday I'l never do a night out again in that way, it took more from me than I am willing to give and still keeps taking.  When I realised I won't ever be doing this again it didn't upset me cus I thought I'v done it, enjoyed it, had a blast and nothing can ruin that for me not when I have amazing pictures to look at.

What I'd not bargained on was the length of time to recover, fatigue and sleeping away my life are the major causes of depression in my spoonie existence and slowly the smile I had face is being replaced with tears and frustration at the punishment being dished out to me for doing something that people take for granted.

I'v been reminded that it truly DOES control my life and no matter how much planning I do Fibromyalgia ad Dercums Disease have there own rules of life and went I push the boundaries I will pay a heavy price. 

Looking forwards to this particular fatigue flare to end and keeping everything I have crossed that the flipside isn't insomnia !

Xx G

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