We often talk about how emotions trigger pain responses in those of us that have fibromyalgia.
I'd like to share my experience with you as a continuation from my post "I don't want to ruin my memories".
Since my amazing night out I have struggled with fatigue so bad that being awake a couple of is the most my body has allowed me.
The thing is when I say fatigue I don't just mean I'm a little tired, a little sleepy. For me it means arms, legs and torso like lead weights. I'm going t ue @bydls Spoon Theory to explain my energy.
With the kind of fatigue I'v been experiencing say I awake with all of 5 spoons, it takes 2 spoons to get off the bed, pee, wash n put clean pyjamas on.
Then I take my meds which takes 5 spoons off me so I'm already running at -2 spoons and as you can see I havn't done much. As the high from my meds wears off (which takes about 1.5hrs) I gain 2 spoons back.
This is the cycle I am stuck in, making it worse was going to work when I was already running low on spoons leaving me in he minus spoons category pretty quickly.
So other than my couple of hours at work this week which left me emotionally and physically depleted I have not ventured outside of my house, my bedroom that I usually think of as my sanctuary soon started to feel like my prison.
My bed no longer looked like my supportive, comfortable place to sit, but a hole that wanted to swallow me and spit me back out feeling worse than when it sucked me in.
I had expected to be fully recovered Tuesday at the latest but I did'nt just getting a bath took every ounce of energy I had. I felt totally wasted, washed out, exhausted.
Through all the fatigue my pain had'nt been to bad, just small niggles in my lower back and knees, which was probably a mixture of dancing then being laid up for a week in bed.
That was until today as the annoyance and pissed off ness of still being trapped in the house started to kick in, the reality that I only have enough energy to wash and dress myself, my whole body feeling like someone put a tube up my asse n filled my insides with concrete.
I begin to roll my thoughts backwards should I of gone out, was I mad to do it. Why do this to myself I knew the fibro & dercums where gona make me pay, but this much and so severly ?!? No I didnt' bargain on this.
My anger peaks as I realise how much the fibro and dercums want to take from me and its way more than I was willing to give. Its been 3yrs since I last #partied 3 whole years, and I gt pissed that time to and I was fine by the Tuesday maybe a bit groggy but functioning.
So obviously I'm realising that I'm a damned sight worse than I was 3yrs ago. The dercums and osteoarthritis are degenerative. This realisation though only added to the mood I was in.
When I'm upset, moody, down I have a habit of withdrawing into myself. I am quiet, sullen while my head trys hard to pull apart the negativity going on in it.
Those feelings though start to translate into pyshical pain, at first my knee's start to ache, then I notice my costochondritis (chest muscle pain) kick off with sharp stabbing pains, next the lipomas in my left arm from the dercums start to burn and itch n all I want to do is rip my arm to bits but that causes them to throb, making my arm ache from my elbow to my shoulder. For the icing on the cake the muscle in the left side of my neck is going into spasms lasting upto 30 seconds at a time.
I feel like I'm punished for having a bad day or negative feelings - I'm not sure how to put it into words. All I know is when I have any feelings around anger, hurt, humiliation, anything like that it results in pyshical pain. So then I get more pissed off which causes more pain.
It's impossible to live #happy permanently, it also does not help that due to the fibromyalgia I already have low seratonin levels. Knowing when t clamber off the emotional roller coaster is what's important.
This is where I can genuinely say being a trained counsellor gets me by. I am emotionally aware and once I recognise I am on a downward spiral I can and do counsel myself out of them. I will also seek support from my peers and friends (my twitter lovlies).
Sometimes I think to be pain free a third of the time I'd have to be numbed totally, my emotions totally turned off. I would need to be voided of a realy important part of who I am as a person. I am accepting of pain or pain but not when I'm already down, it's like pouring salt on an open wound.
I apologise if some of this post seems fractured or that I'v rambled but I had to do it, I needed to rant about how frikken unfair my illnesses are in there harsh treatment of me for going out for the first time n 3yrs then punishing m again for having negative feelings.